Feb. 14th, 2007

czechoslovakians: (Way Up North)
And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place you used to live
When you were young

There are days it doesn’t cross my mind at all. There are whole weeks when I feel like a normal sixteen year old kid. There are whole hours where I completely forget that I am not normal.

And then there are times, growing ever increasingly frequent, when I can’t forget for even a heartbeat. There are days and weeks and months where I feel like an entirely different species and it is pointed out to me at seemingly every turn that I am not human.

Sometimes I dream about it. Of course I don’t have any proof of anything. I don’t have memories or even flashes of memories so I don’t know if it’s just something my imagination is supplying or actually bits of where I’m from.

Michael calls it home. He always has. I guess it could be. I don’t know. Home to me is Isabel. She always has been. If she is with me I am home. Maybe it’s because she’s my twin or maybe it’s because she’s like me. I don’t know and I stopped caring a long time ago. I just accept that part of me for what it is.

I don’t want to go back to where ever it is we came from. I know there would be answers there, answers I won’t ever get anywhere else but I’d rather stay here. I’d rather not know for the rest of my life then leave the friends and family I’ve made here. Isabel might be home and Michael might be family but they’re not the only people I love. There are my parents and Liz. I can’t imagine a life without her in it. It doesn’t matter that I’m on the edge of her life. She’s the axis that my world turns on.

I kiss Liz and I see the stars. I see the planets and the universes. I see bits and flashes of where I’m from. Doesn’t that mean something? Michael wants to use her as a tool, a way to see the road back home. I think it’s a sign. I think she’s the reason I’m here. I crossed universes and galaxies to get to her. I think I should stay.

I know it’s selfish when I step back and look at it hard. I mean….say Liz is my reason for being here. Why are Michael and Isabel here too? Did they just come along for the ride? It doesn’t matter what I was on that planet, I don’t have the right to commandeer their lives and insist that we stay because I think I’ve found my destiny on this planet.

I don’t want to go home though. I don’t want to leave Liz. I don’t want to see the stars or the planets or the universe unless I can see it when I kiss her.

And yet I will, if Michael and Isabel decide to go, I’ll break her heart and carve out mine. It’s what I’ve warned her about from the very beginning. I will hurt her because Michael, Isabel and I have to stick together. There are things more important than what I want, more important than what Liz wants and I hate it.


czechoslovakians: (Default)
Max Evans

March 2007

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